Is SHIMPO good for you?

Story writing class: Sunday at 7am PDT

At the end you can read the story before corrections.
Two days ago, Jim went to the supermarket to buy groceries. He asked the store clerk where he could find SHIMPO, a new snack he had seen advertised on TV.
"Go to aisle 13." - said the clerk.
When Jim stepped into aisle 13, he was blinded by a bright light and heard a deep, loud voice.

There were many colorful foods
He was surprised. They didn't look like normal food colors.

Jim was afraid of the voice. He thought it was an explosion. He saw more glass bottle fall on the floor and make a big mess.

Suddenly, a small robot popped out of a bottle in front of him. He was surprised and speechless, "What was that? A genie in the bottle?" The bright light turned into a cloud.  "Am I in heaven?"


Those robots started to sing a song. It was a jingle "please try these delicious snacks."
Then they cleaned up to broken glasses.
He dropped is jaw looking at what they were doing

Jim thought the owner of groceries was a smart guy, because he made robots do different tasks and help him.

He found SHIMPO, but when he wanted to grab it he heard a sound, "I will come after you, wherever you go!"
He thought he was wrong listening, the voice still loud within him. He thought the voice was in his head. He grabbed two packs. When he went back to home, he put the SHIMPO in the living room.

He opened SHIMPO. It smelled and looked very delicious.
However, Jim was still hearing a voice
The voice was saying, "If you eat it, you can't stop eating it. And you will gain weight."

Jim thought that the voice was making him crazy, and decided to stop buying things advertised on TV, because he wanted to stay healthy.
Before corrections
Two days ago, Jim went to the supermarket to buy groceries. He asked the store clerk where he could find SHIMPO, a new snack he had seen advertised on TV.
"Go to aisle 13." - said the clerk.
When Jim stepped into aisle 13, he was blinded by a bright light and heard a deep, loud voice.

because, there are many beautiful colors foods.
it made him surprised.
it don't look like not foods colors。

Jim afraid of the voice he was think explosion. But when he saw more glass bottle fall on the floor and make big miss

Suddenly, it appeared small robot popped up in front of him from the bottle. He surprised silently, "What was that? Gennie in the bottle". The bright light turned out like a cloud. Did I in the heaven?

those robots started sing a song.
it was the song of advertisement.
"please try eat these delicious snacks"
then they clean up to messy glasses.
he could not close his mouth by their action.

Jim thought the owner of groceries is smart guy .Because he used robots for made different work and help him .

Oh i found SHIMPO, but.. when i wanted to grabbed it, there was a sound, "I would come after you, wherever you go!" He thought he was wrong listening, the voice still loud within him. He grabbed 2 pack of SHIMPO and ran away. When he went back to home, he put the SHIMPO in the living room.

He opened SHINPO.
It smelled look very delicious.
However, Jim still her a voice.
the voice say "If you eat it, you can't stop eat it. and you will gain weight"

Jim became clumsy from the voice and he decided don't bought any things from the ad in tv because he try to save his healthy

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